For the Love of Sandy

I love Sandra Bullock.

I loved her in The Blind Side. I loved her in Hope Floats, although that movie sucked.

Personality wise, she’s hands down my favorite actress. She’s so candid, so witty, so redonkulously gorge.

Suffice to say, I adore her.

I was beyond stoked when she walked away from Sunday nights Oscars with that little gold man.

I’m obviously not alone in my “Sandy adoration.”

She wouldn’t be a movie star if I was.

However. It pains me to admit I don’t love Sandra because of her style.

I love her in spite of it.

More often than not, her fashion choices totally baffle me.

Case in point, the following fashion mishaps (to put it mildly):

I’m rendered speechless, these outfits are so heinous.

And normally I’m a “chatty Cathy,” so that says a lot.

In response to outfit A, all I gotta say is “Girl, whatchya trying to hide?” For someone with such a rockin’ bod, I’m perplexed as to why Sandra would go to such lengths to cover herself up.

Also, that dress is about as flattery as a potatoe sack. And please, don’t even get me started on those cropped jeans and shoes.

Word from the wise: Do us all a favor. Don’t wear jeans under a dress. It never looks hot.

In response to outfit B, “Really?” This is a woman who makes 20 million a movie and those are the best jeans she could find? I’ve seen more flattering jeans at the Goodwill.  I know Sandra has a home in Texas, but c’mon. I wouldn’t wear that get up to a hoedown, let alone a premiere.

Outfit C: I think I’m more distracted by the lack of bra action happening than the mismatched toned shirt/skirt.

Here are some more pics from my “No, Sandy” collection:

Jiving with her vibe. Get up? Not so much.                         Rule of thumb : Stay away from pantsuits.

Please hem.                                    ”Greek Chorus,” anyone?                Reminded of my grandmother’s drapes.

I’m noticing a pattern. Sandy’s “black tie” garb often looks like it could serve double duty as a figure skating costume. Truly. I used to be an avid figure skater, and I’m willing to bet a sizeable sum that were I to dig up my old skating costumes from the dress up trunk (exactly), there’d be an uncanny resemblance.

Check it:

With the exception of that last photo, she looks gorgeous.

My biggest beef with each of these ensembles is they look like costumes.

Her clothes look like they’re inhabiting her, not vise versa.

There’s much each of us can learn from Sandra Bullock.

Here’s a quick rundown of what we can learn from her fashion mishaps:

1. The importance of hiring a good stylist.
2. Stay clear of dresses that resemble a lampshade, drape or dust ruffle.
3. Pantsuits are never hot. Even when designed by Stella McCartney.
4. Pairing ankle boots with a short dress isn’t flattering. Particularly if you’re petite, closed toed shoes tend to make your legs look shorter.
5. There’s never an excuse to wear jeans under a dress. So don’t.
6. Invest in some good jeans (that are, preferably, not embroidered or adorned with rhinestones; that look is cheap). JBrand, Paige, Superfine are some of fave brands. It’s worth it. Your fans will thank ya.
7. Check yourself in the mirror, under proper lighting, before leaving the house to ensure your nips and/or cooter are not viewable.
8. If considering any piece of clothing that reminds you of a figure skating outfit, chuck it.
9. There is such a thing as too much bling. When in doubt, go for simple, simple, SIMPLE. Think Narcisco Rodriguez.
10. If you’re not comfortable in what you’re wearing, you’re gonna convey that. Regardless of how kick ass you are.

Sandra: If you’re reading this, let’s do lunch.

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