Wife Beaters Aren’t Sexy

Summer’s fast approaching, which means the sad re-emergence of my least favorite guy trend:

Wife Beaters.

The name of this piece of “clothing” alone is deterrent enough for me to not wanna get near one, let alone wear one.

I’m half WASP. Semantics are important to me.

I mean, why would someone wanna wear something named after a redneck ?

Harsh? Perhaps. Politically incorrect? Sure.

Welcome to my blog.

But in my book Wife Beaters, as a noun and adjective, are just WRONG.

Here are my four fave Wife Beater definitions, courtesy of my favorite authoritative source:

urbandictionary.com

Wife Beater:

1. A form-fitting, white-ribbed undershirt (key word) worn by men. Looks good on well-built fellas, pathetic on skinny fellas, and disgusting on fat beer bellied fellas.
2. A tank top or sleeveless muscle shirt. Most excellent for showing off a dude’s pecs, shoulders, arms, underarms, armpit hair, and natural B.O.
3. A very tight, white tank top. This style of shirt is usually found on overweight guys hailing from the trailer courts.
4. The TV show “Cops” had a lot to do with the creation of this word. Every time they showed a guy getting arrested for beating up his wife he was wearing one of those sleeveless undershirts.

The title of this post, coupled with urban dictionary’s brilliant definition, pretty much sums it up.

For those skeptics out there, here are some more flattering pics:

Guest blogger and fellow fashionista April Brooks made the following astute observation about this frequent fashion mishap:

“Wife Beaters are the equivalent of women simultaneously wearing mini skirts and showing cleavage. Yes, you’ll get attention but is it really the kind of attention you want?”

If you’re a fan of Speidi (in which case please seek professional help), your answer may be yes.

Bad, good, it may all be one in the same to you. Attention is attention. Case in point:

Attention starved? My suggestion: Leave the mask at home. Get a dog instead. Worked for me.

But I digress. Back to WIFE BEATERS. Yay!

Like all rules, there are some exceptions.

Here are three:

As shown, “exceptions” tend to come in the form of ripped black rappers and movie star actors.

Which most people are not.

Most fashion mishaps are created because people erroneously think they are the exception, not the rule.

Like this guy:

Uggggh.

I know that loads of average dudes will (and do) continue to wear wife beaters and mistakenly think it a) makes them look hot and b) will help them get laid.

Um. Again, for the 99% of guys out there that don’t look like Will Smith. NO.

Will Smith                              Drew Carey (aka “Average Guy”)

Stubborn guys will insist on wearing what they want, much to the shagrin of their girlfriend’s sage advice. So, for you adamant dudes out there insistent on donning a Wife Beater, do us ladies a favor and, please, abide by these guidelines, compiled courtesy of guest blogger and fashion superstar (not to mention one of my favorite gals on the planet) April Brooks:

**Disclaimer: Wife Beaters are not for amateurs. Like cutting your own hair, Wife Beaters are dangerous territory. if you are even contemplating donning a wife beater you should first ask the advice of the lady in your life (i.e. sister or significant other). If you do not have a fashion savy lady who is willing to be brutally honest with you, then use the following guidelines to determine if you are Wife Beater material:

1. Do not accesorize your Wife Beater. NO JEWELRY. By jewelry I mean chains, medallions, and sideways baseball caps.
2. Make sure you’re well groomed. Especially your hair. Overly hairy? Forgo the Wife Beater.
3. You must be in really good shape. Specifically, your upper body must be flawless (Think Ed Norton in American History X, Brad Pitt in Fight Club and Will Smith in Ali). Must have the following ripped and visible muscles: Pecs, abs, shoulders, biceps and lats. No excess body fat and no excess scrawniness (i.e. Keith Richards).
4. If you fit above description, Wife Beaters are acceptable to wear in public only if you’re a) going to the gym or b) doing a manly chore for ME (aka the sassy woman in your life).
5. Acceptable manly chores include: Washing my car, changing my oil, assembling a piece of furniture for me, helping me move, and mowing my lawn.
6. If Wife Beater is dirty it has to be from doing a manly chore (see above list)
7. Absolutely no stains, holes, rips or tears (This rule holds true for every article of clothing in your wardrobe)
8. Only wear black, grey or white Wife Beaters. No logos, no patterns, no other colors. Simple.
9. When the Wife Beater comes off it should be for a hot, sexy shower. Preferably with me. After you’ve done a manly chore for moi.
10. As a general rule of thumb, if you have any doubts about wearing a Wife Beater follow your instincts: DON’T

April Brooks is a self-professed sassy Elle Woods with a southern drawl. A former pageant queen who can “teach you all the manners your mama forgot,” April is a 7^th generation southern belle. April holds a BS in Fashion Merchandising from the University of Georgia. She’s hosted live fashion shows across the United States in Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago and Las Vegas. Favorite gigs include Reese Witherspoon’s stand in Sweet Home Alabama. Ms. Brooks currently lives in Los Angeles. Learn more at www.aprilinhollywood.blogspot.com